i sit here today with a thousand thoughts running through my mind but unsure of what to write. Sometimes i find it quite difficult to write a post because there are things i just can't write about as it is not appropriate for my blog. Mind you when that happens, Master reads it and then allows me not to publish it, there have been a few like that already.
i know that being a woman, i am already mad, crazier than a fruit bat, some might call it..lol, but sometimes i swear i'm so far beyond that i fear i may never return. It's on those days that Master pulls me in, his smiling lips and warm eyes so filled with love, and helps me through whatever "disaster" it is that i have conjured up in my head. Most times, it's just me being over emotional, sensitive, paranoid, all round nuts. Other times it is genuine upset, stress or concern.
i think at the moment, i am at the peek of paranoia, i worry about everything and for the most part, there is nothing to worry about. The risks my Master and i take are carefully calculated by my Master and he works to keep it to a minimum. His/our main concern has always been our children, they come before us in any decisions we make and they always will. Nothing is ever done around my son except chatting and that is kept to fairly neutral subjects. If my son needs or wants something or just my attention, he gets it, no questions asked.
Now i do have reason to feel spied on, as it is not beyond my husband to snoop through my belongs, purse, computer or whatever else he feels like looking in. He has found things, but nothing that couldn't be explained away and he has taken those explanations, even if he isn't 100% convinced of it. Because of this, i have to be extra careful in what i do.
Every now and again i go through a phase of i really don't care if he finds out and leaves, because i know then that i wouldn't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. Yes, i know i would still have to have my "everyday" persona, but when it was time to truly be me, i could be without worry. Then other times i think, what if he finds out, what would happen, what would he say or do. And most importantly, how would it affect my son.
Master and i were talking this morning about a situation and he could see my discomfort in it. We both thought my discomfort with it was because a party involved had lied to another, and in doing so, my trust in them wavered. Further into the conversation, i said to my Master that i was most concerned that if i was "found out" that i may have to move from the city i live, as it is a very small town with small town mentality. This has put a bit of a wrench in things. i have never before expressed that concern, and it turn, it concerns my Master in that it has raised the level of risk significantly, or has it? i really don't know the answer to it, but Master said he would think about it all and let me know his thoughts on it. As it all sunk in i couldn't help but well up, i asked for permission to shed diamonds, Master gave it to me, but i had to tell him why it was i was crying. It was quite simple. If Master felt the risk was too high, then he will do what is best for me, he always will, and my greatest fear aside from something happening to my son, is losing my Master. He said he didn't feel it was at that point and not to worry.... like i can put it out of my mind... hard to do today.
In all honesty i think that i am just in an over reactive swing and that in a week from now, i will think it was silly what i said. i mean really, "if" i was found out, i'm certainly not the first woman in this town to have an affair, the BDSM side of it really there is no proof, just toys.. big deal!.
sighs... i'm off to get fitted for that white jacket they have waiting for me, i do hope when they put it on, they put it tight enough.... grins
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