Wow, what a week, i have been sick for about a week and still having to run around and work, so made things even more difficult than they normally are, but then again, who said it was easy?!? There were plans in place for me to be used, but because i was sick, they had to be cancelled, we are hoping to reschedule soon, as Master said i am well past due a good fucking...grins.
Last night, i was given permission to be used but with a twist. i was to put lube into my cunt, about as much as 2 men's cum, then have my husband fuck me while i used my wand, and i was allowed to cum 3 times during this. The thought of this excited me even though i have not been in the mood being sick, i was looking forward to it. As luck would have it, my husband got called out to work and didn't come home till very late so it didn't happen.
Now the reason behind this twist is that i have had the thought of coming home after being used, filled with another man's cum, and then having my husband fuck me without knowing. The thought of that arouses me on some level that i don't fully understand yet. my Master and i have been talking about it a lot lately and have come to some conclusions.
As with many other submissives, i was abused sexually by different people to various degrees through out my childhood, and even later, was mentally abused as an adult, which i suppose somehow brought me to where i am today. How/why this happens is a question that is still beyond me. Is it that because we had no choice in our bodies being used for another's pleasure when we were younger, and that somewhere along the line we decided subconsciously that we wanted to have the choice? Did i like the fact that i had no control, even if i didn't understand it, but didn't like that i didn't have a choice? Is that why we then seek out someone that will control us, not abusively and nurture us, but most importantly, truly love us through out it? i like to think it was my choice in choosing to serve my Master, but when you break it all down, was it really, did i consciously make the choice, did it just happen naturally, or was i compelled by something deep inside me to beg for my Master's collar? i don't know, sometimes i think i have the answer, other times i haven't a clue.
The one thing that has become clearer, is the reason i choose to humiliate weak men. Yes, me, the submissive, the slave, gets a kick out of humiliating so called Doms and men that are seen as strong and have on occasion even turned the tables on them by having them do things very unDom. The reason is this... when i was abused, it was always at the hands of someone i "thought" was a strong male figure, but have realised since, they are just weak pathetic boys in a man's body. So, for my own peace of mind, i find ways of humiliating those men, even if they don't know it. i am not cruel in that i humiliate them to their face, but get my own private satisfaction when i do it. An example of this is going home after being used with the cum of another man on my breasts and then having my husband suck and lick them. i know what's going on, he doesn't and i get some satisfaction from it. Is it because i'm a little Domme... no i don't think so... Is is because i'm a little sadistic, hmm... perhaps... grins. But all i know is that i get to smile about it and then go on with my day.
Now some of you may think that these "tricks" i play on my husband is unfair, but i assure you he has it and even more coming to him. my marriage has not been the happiest times of my life, and i don't see that changing anytime soon. But because life is complicated, i choose to stay in my marriage and with the help of my Master, i am becoming more independent of that life and finding my joy where i can.
Well i have rambled enough and have plenty of work to do, so i am off to start my day :)
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